Quite long ago, there lived a prince
Whose sense of fun would make you wince.
Instead of polo, he would rather
Have a spot of How's Your Father.
Prince Oedipus, his friends all said,
Had quite the appetite in bed –
He'd had a Session of the Flesh
With girls from Rome to Bangladesh.
Though Oedi's tastes were quite bizarre –
His favourite a ménage à trois
He often used to fornicate
With two old maids of eighty-eight
(He also sowed his Royal Oats
With lambs and pigs and rams and goats).
Now if you think you know this tale
To know the truth will leave you pale.
Euripides and Sophocles
Have misconstrued his neuroses,
And Freud, who formed his legacy
As none have had the balls to say
This true recital of the day:
No girl within the Hoi Polloi
Was safe from Oedi's Pride and Joy,
No girl that is, except for one,
Her Royal Highness (his step-mum).
A jezebel of twenty-three,
Jocasta lived in infamy
For tying Greece’s king to oath
Through pleasuring his Royal Growth.
Her party trick was known by all –
A neat stunt with a ping-pong ball
(You might think this irrelevant,
Although her aim was excellent).
Jocasta stood at six foot four
To Oedi, this did all the more
To make him feel subordinate
(he didn’t like to dominate).
One day, this kinky hobbyist
Had ticked another off his list
(a nubile supple pretty Thai –
She liked it doggy FYI)
When at the end, and quite unawed
He cried, ‘Enough! I’m getting bored.’
Cos in the middle of his poke,
The young prince had a masterstroke.
He pushed her off, annoyed, and said:
‘I want my step-mum in my bed.
‘I want to touch, I want to squeeze
‘Jocasta’s massive mammaries!
‘It’s time the competition died
‘By classic, tragic Regicide.’
So Oedi had a palace coup
And killed King Laius with Kung Fu
(Then after a Karate Chop
He sold him in the Butcher’s shop).
Upon pronouncing Daddy dead,
King Oedi took the throne and said,
‘Behold! Your new Hellenic King!
‘You might have seen my ding-a-ling!
‘My rules are great and bold and wise!
‘Expect the fun, the odd surprise!
‘From now on, every Fourth of May
‘Is National Bikini Day!
‘And every girl’s virginity
‘From now on will be lost to me!
‘And last not least, my favourite law
‘The former Queen is now my whore!
‘My guards, go quick – no time to waste,
‘Let’s get her in my bed post-haste!'
The guards obeyed their King's command
By capturing Jocasta and
As if she were a concubine
They fed her oysters, strawbs and wine
(That’s every aphrodisiac
To get her ready for the sack).
They kept her under lock and key
Detained just like a refugee
’Till Oedipus came back, undressed,
And said, ‘D’you have a last request?
‘Now stop a second, have a think
‘Before I plunge your pink and stink.’
So then Jocasta asked her King
A strange and most peculiar thing:
She said: ‘Could I have more than one?
‘Oh pretty please, my ex step-son;
‘If we must do this, do you mind
‘I only like it from behind.
‘And one more thing, it’s quite polite:
‘Could one of us turn off the light?
So Oedi said: ‘A strange appeal.
‘But girl, you’ve got yourself a deal.
‘Now that’s enough, we’ve had our chatter –
‘Let’s mix up some baby batter.’
And so the two began to rut
At breakneck speed in triplicate.
To start off, Oedi put his sabre
In Mrs Sphincter’s next door neighbour.
They did the Double Kangaroo,
The Pirate Maker, Brown Shampoo,
The Pink Sock and the Pleasure Wagon,
Crouching Tiger/ Hidden Dragon,
When something started to explore
’round Oedipus’s bare back door.
He thought: ‘What just touched my rear end?
‘She must have brought a little friend!
‘A hobbit digit, buzzing bit
‘Of wild vibrating special kit!
‘Oh lucky me, now this is sweet –
‘I think I'll love this magic treat.’
This unit sent him through the roof,
His proudness became bulletproof,
He did a little Royal Wee
While shouting out in ecstasy.
Then Oedi, quite the charming date
Addressed Jocasta: ‘Go locate
‘Your clothes and shoes. They’re in a heap –
‘I need to get my beauty sleep.’
Then Oedi turned to get some rest,
His conquest, though, was unimpressed.
She turned the lights on, called out, ‘OI!
‘I haven’t had my fill yet, boy!’
So Oedi turned, and then he saw
A sight that made him hit the floor –
‘Cos unlike all his other tarts
She had TWO SETS OF PRIVATE PARTS.
That’s one that you’d expect to see
And one from Dutch pornography.
What’s more, Jocasta’s Standing Stone
Stood much more proud than Oedi’s own.
‘It’s like you’ve got three legs,’ he cried,
‘I feel a little dead inside.’
So Oedi, in his new-found gloom
Escaped into his panic room;
Jocasta, though, worked out the code
(It used to be her own abode).
She said, ‘My mighty Cupid Pump
Is bigger than your little stump!
‘Our roles now change; our titles switch:
‘Now I’M the King and YOU’RE the bitch!’
She reached and grabbed him by the neck,
And Oedi said, ‘Oh what the heck.’
Now if you thought that Oedi’s taste
In carnal things left you red-faced,
I’d place a big substantial bet
You haven’t met Jocasta yet.
While Oedi’s complex gets acclaim
This femme fatale put him to shame;
She put him through her best mandates
(Illegal in five nation-states).
To start, a quick one (to arouse),
the Analingual Powerhouse.
She followed with the Chocolate Train
(In German style for much more pain),
And then the Frothy Screamalong,
The Horizontal Ferret Bong,
And finally, her favourite one,
The Wrangling Walrus Megaton.
For ten years Oedi’s derriere
Refused to hold him on a chair.
Not only that, with lust’s first kiss
Jocasta gave him syphilis.
You thought you knew poor Oedi’s tale,
Like Freud, who tried to no avail.
But now you know the tragic truth
Of how King Oedi, in his youth
Had planned to roger his step-mum
And ended with a damaged bum.
So can we learn from Oedi’s fate?
D’you think we should just masturbate?
Well do remember, if you would
This tip to make your morals good.
Now don’t go toddle off and CHUCK
Your life away, just like a SCHMUCK,
Concede this point to bring good LUCK:
Be sure you’re CAREFUL who you...
Though with her reputation smeared.
in NWR 100 on 25 May. He is this year’s winner of the Terry Hetherington Award for writers under thirty. A taster from ‘The Anatomy of a Beating’ will appear online at NWR this afternoon. ‘Oedipus Rex’ was shortlisted last month for the Percy French Prize for Comic Poetry.